Matt
Speeding down the street, cigarette between my lips, and an intention in my mind. I wanna fight right now. I wanna cut right now. I wanna drink right now. I wanna do so many things but above all, I wanna find Novah and destroy this thought. This thought that she asked Jon out right after that fight we had yesterday. I just can't believe it. I just can't allow myself to believe it. I don't know where I'm going right now, I just know if I stop, if I stop barrelling down the road full-speed, I'm going to combust.
I've called her phone five times. Straight to voicemail. Texted her countless times.
I slow down and pick my phone up off the seat next to me, dialing Skylar. She picks up after a couple of rings.
"Where's Novah?" I ask, right away.
"Damn, not even a good afternoon...." Skylar retorts.
"Skylar!"
"I don't know. I haven't seen her since the party,"
I groan frustratedly. "Well do you know where she is? Has she talked to you?"
"Nope. Haven't seen her, haven't talked to her. I honestly thought she was with you,"
"Obviously not, Skylar. I swear you're so fucking oblivious sometimes," I say with a roll of my eyes and then hang up. I throw the phone in the seat next to me and pull into the dorm parking lot. Her car isn't here so I don't even bother going into the building. I pull back out and think for a sec. Where could she be? Hmm....
Oh, the apartment.
Yep, her car is here. How predictable. I grab my phone and shove it in my pocket. Grab my keys, lock the car and put those in my pocket as well. I run up the front door steps and turn the knob.
It's open.
The first thing I see is Novah's ass in the air.
Those leggings though, god damn.
She turns around, startled.
"Novah we need to talk, right now," I run my hands through my hair, nervously.
"We can't, I have to go," her voice is nasally like she's been crying or something. She continues digging around in her bag, on the couch like she doesn't fuck hear me.
"Novah what the fuck is going on?! What's up with you? Do you not love me?" I ask my voice cracking at the end.
She sniffles. "I have to go," she says and tries to pass by me. I catch her body with my hands.
A tiny cry escapes her mouth and tears start running down her face.
I pull her to my body, hugging her, running my hands over her hair.
"Please tell me it's not true....." I whisper. "Please tell me you didn't ask him out,"
She starts crying even harder against my chest.
When she doesn't reply it's like dust settling in my lungs. Like I can barely breathe.
I push her back a little so I can see her face.
"Novah did you ask Jon out?"
She wipes the tears and makeup running down her face. "I'm sorry," she says softly.
I suck in a breath and shivers run down my spine.
Tears start forming in my eyes very quickly, but they don't fall.
I look up at her eyes, which are spilling with tears. "How-" I choke. My voice breaks. "How could you?" I almost whisper.
I ball my fists up to try and control the emotion. I take a deep breath. "Don't ever fucking speak to me again!" I yell.
I turn my back and it's like a wave of different confusing emotions hit me.
I can hear her crying as I close the door behind me. I hop into my car as fast as I can and turn it on.
Fuck this apartment, fuck her, fuck Jon. I knew it. I shouldn't have let her in.
I knew it. I should only depend on myself.
The tears are in my eyes, but I'm not gonna let them fall.
I drive back down the road, onto the highway.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.134Please respect copyright.PENANA7ZbNjxhXiy
So many emotions are coursing through me right now. I want to cry. I need to cry.
When I see the small opening in the brush next to the highway, I pull over and drive slightly into the forest area.
This is it. My spot. Where I can let it all out.
I put the car in park and reach under the passenger seat, where my little black kit is. I grab that and then reach into the glove compartment. Underneath a bunch of papers and other shit is my emergency bottle of Vodka.
I also grab a cigarette, a joint, and a lighter. I need to pull out all my coping mechanisms for this one.
I take all my shit, close the car door, and head down to the tiny creek.
A memory flashes through my head.
The picnic.
"Oh my God," I whisper and tears start rolling down my face. I start walking faster down to the creek. I need relief now.
I finally reach it and sit near the edge. I put my shit down next to me. 134Please respect copyright.PENANArMMNB1UUHU
I can't feel right now. As in, I can't allow myself to feel right now. It's gonna hurt so bad. So, so bad. I pop open the bottle of vodka and bring it to my mouth. My hands are shaking like crazy right now. I take a long swig of it, wiping my mouth afterward.
I bring the bottle to my mouth again. Drink.
Again, and I drink.
Fuck, why can't I stop?
I put the bottle down next to me and light the cigarette. My fingers bring it to my lips shakily. I chose the cigarette on purpose, as opposed to just weed. The cigarette smoke feels more......thick, in my body. It fills my body, a swirl of toxins.
I keep breathing the smoke in and puffing it out, ignoring the gnawing feeling within me.
The demons are trying to surface and I'll use any substance I have to, to keep them at bay.
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