4/19/19
Raymond ignoring IT while Eliot is ignoring ME. Because even though Raymond has served lunch and were talking about soccer, he's just on his phone and lookin at the ceiling if his gf replies too slow. I tried to talk to him, tryna put some sense into this dude; tellin him that there's nothing between us and he can ask Raymond about that. And it did not help the fact that Raymond tried to revert the conversation back to soccer. Well I didn't have a short temper but I guess I was just so really annoyed so I ate my share thanked Raymond and left. Then when I was on the pavement, I just let my feet take me where it wants to go. I was just tryin to empty my mind so I also took a bus heading to nowhere. While in the bus I thought, it's like I'm livin my nightmare because we have been distant these past few days and I don't even know what started it. I don't want to blame his gf since I think it's because of my sexuality. Just to clarify, I am not really GAY! Not just because I'm not happy it is also because I'm attracted to women more. yep. I like cute girls with tiny voices- yeah I like it when they sound like a squeezed mice. I like them thin too but anyway, about Eliot, he got me wrong and I don't know why I don't have the courage to tell him. Maybe it's because people around me also thinks that I am gay so it won't be believable anyway but that sounds stupid for a reason, DOESN'T IT!? Actually I am not sure because Raymond also makes my heart confused! Well, I don't want to start an argument with Eliot anyway because I know I'll just loose. And just when I thought I'll be doin a round trip, I saw the strip club. I do remember that we were banned but that did not stop me from havin fun last night. I had more long islands than I can handle so I had to stay longer to drink some water and piss it away. While on that process, the blond dancer came to the stage and did his routine. I really like the song that he picked, it was dancing with a stranger, I think. I was jamming to the song and sipping my cup of water when our eyes connected and he smiled. I felt my skin tingle and I felt really shy that I could not watch him again. When the song was finished, I was ready to leave the club but Scott was suddenly in front of me. I don't know why but my eyes were wetter than usual then tears came and I rested my head in his shoulder. I guess he just knew I was having a hard time so he grabbed me by the arm and took my to the backdoor which lead to the dressing rooms. Scott was such a nice guy that night, he gave me some paper towels and he held my hand as I kept crying. I didn't say anything about what had happened on the past few days but I felt like he knew how sad I am and I just want silence. Minutes later, he asked me if I wanted another glass of long island. I shook my head and wondered why he didn't tell the bouncers that I was banned because Eliot did him bad. Then he asked me if I wanted to talk about it, I said NO and he respected that too. He was really great until he tried to kiss me. I avoided at first but I just think he's really handsome and I don't want to miss the chance so I went closer to him to return the kiss but one of his friends went inside the room to talk to him. Well we stopped as they began talking about a dancer named Benny. Anyway, Benny was also a stranger to me until I heard that he's Scott's EX and he's not been showing up at the club so a lot of patrons are getting upset. And I didn't want to be put any judgement over a stranger but he sounds like a dick by how they both describe him and his actions. It was a quick conversation though so I didn't feel like leaving the room and when we were alone again, I asked Scott if he was happy with his job. It was a strange question but I was just really curious because he looked really happy on stage. He answered quickly and said that he thinks it was a just a job since he wasn't able to finish high school but later on, he realized that he was really good at it and he started to enjoy every second of it. He confessed that it was embarrassin at first because he doesn't know how to tell his friends or his family and the customers were not a fan of his untoned body but after he visit the public gym more often and he's just blocking all the haters, he just found himself being satisfied at last. We'll Scott's really lucky; I hope I could find my destiny soon because I really want to get out of my situation and just be happy; I actually told him about that so he suggested that I should try dancing since he saw some skills in me. Seriously? Only if this guy knew I have two left foot.
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