The following day at uni, Jay drives us in and because of our morning activities we end up taking breakfast to eat in the car. He makes us sausage sandwiches and they taste glorious. It's actually really nice him cruising through the countryside whilst we've got our breakfast set out on the console in between us and coffee in the cup holders on the side.
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"We'll be on time" he smiles at me.
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"Jay" I say slowly.
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"I feel like you can give me more than I can give you and I don't want you to think that I am freeloading or taking advantage. I love you and I would love you no matter what" I explain.
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I grab my coffee and light up a cigarette for us to share. I glance over him, he's wearing a white t-shirt revealing his strong tanned arms and jeans.
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He glances back at me giving me that look. The one that says I love you unconditionally.
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"I know that of course I do. I know how I feel about you too, and I want to share my life with you" he says.
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"So don't worry about any of that" he says and I pass him the cigarette.
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We park up at university in the normal spot.
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"So that only took like 15 extra babe. The roads are loads less busy to be fair." He smiles getting out of the car.
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Turning around I see Matty and Ross over the lot and feel a pang of guilt. I've chosen now though and I know who I want to be with. We stroll over to them and keep it casual, Jays hand in mine. Normally the physical contact we would have would be immense.
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"Hey" I squeak pulling my leather jacket around me. I'm wearing a red dress today and boots.
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"Hey" they both say in time and laugh at each other. I smirk glad the tension has dispersed. I feel Matty watching me, I still cannot look at him.
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"Here's your ticket" Ross smiles handing me my ticket for the show on Friday.
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"Ah thanks" I say inspecting it. Looking at the pictures and the programme which he's printed off for me. I smile at him.
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"What you guys seeing" Matty says. I make eye contact and recognise his warm eyes instantly.
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"We're seeing Wuthering heights" Ross says.
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I smile.
"It will be great" I say placing my arm around Jay. He pulls me just a fraction closer and smiles down at me.
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"Why weren't you out this weekend" Ross asks directing his question at Jay.
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"Not usual for you to miss a party" he sighs.
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"We were busy" he smiles.
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I look down at the floor.
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"What did we miss?" I say.
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"Nate and Rach are an item." Ross laughs.
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"The fuck." Jay says.
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"I know man" Ross laughs.
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I grab my phone out of my bag and text Rach asking her to meet me before lunch for a catch up at my dorm.
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"They got together. I dunno if you can say they are together" Matty says still watching me.
"It's not the same thing" he sighs.
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I don't look at him I know exactly what he's going on about. He thinks I'm just with Jay, just getting with him. He makes me annoyed when he assumes stuff. It's like yeah you were the love of my life, okay but now you don't know everything.
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"Good for her" I say smiling up at Jay.
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I start walking towards psychology the others behind me. Jay holding onto my hip slightly. I can't help but love him touching me.
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We stroll into psychology and go to our normal seats.
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"Oh so I was right I see" an annoying nasal voice says.
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I turn around to see plain Jane behind us sneering.
I laugh, I don't know what comes over me. I can't take her seriously.
"About what" Jay says exasperated by her interruption.
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"You loving this tramp" she snarks.
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"You wanna watch your mouth" he says instantly serious.
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"It's okay I can take this. I'm sorry Jane. Sorry that you feel betrayed and that you have to result in name calling to feel better about yourself" I say seriously.
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"Yes we're together. That's none of your business" I say staring at her. She pales slightly and sulks away to antagonise someone else.
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"Babe you sure can pick them" I say sighing. He laughs and we sit down his arm around my shoulders.
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The lecture starts and I can't help but to keep looking over at him lounging on his chair. His shirt riding up slightly showing his lower abs off. He's pulled his hair back again revealing his chiselled jaw. I find myself gazing at him.
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"House tonight yeah not the.." he says watching me. Meaning let's go home tonight not stay at his apartment.
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"Of course" I smile.
"Looking forward" I say rubbing his arm.
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I want to kiss him. More than that I want to straddle him right now. He senses my needs and rubs my leg.
"At break ?" He whispers.
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"Mhm yeah" I say back blushing.
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The rest of the lecture goes by agonisingly slow, Jay keeps his hands on me at all times. I know Ross notices and I sense he's worried about me. I will have to talk with him.
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"You ugh wanna grab coffee at break" Ross asks.
I'm standing up facing him now it's the end.
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"How about after dance it's just I said to Rach that I need to catch up with her at break" I say.
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"Sure I'll meet you there" Ross says clearly pleased as we're walking out together. Jay following behind us. I feel for jays hand but can't get it. He must be there, I check glancing over my shoulder and I don't see him. I stop and turn around and see him talking to somebody else. Somebody that I don't know in the corridor.
Rationally I tell myself to not jump to any conclusions. But I am shocked at how hot I feel and jealous and damn right paranoid.
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"He'll catch us up?" Ross says unsure.
He eyes me with care.
The girl is blonde, she's quite pretty and she's wearing a crop top and skirt. She's talking to him and he's busy chatting away to her. I decide I will not be a bitter plain Jane and I will walk on and let him catch me up later. I'm heading to dorms anyways and Rach will be over soon.
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"Want me to walk you to wherever it is you're going" Ross asks. I realise I'm still staring at Jay. He's got his back to me now and I feel really confused. Who could this girl be?
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I snap out of it turn to Ross and we begin walking again.
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"So I feel like it's been ages" Ross says
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"Actually I guess you're right it has" I say still thinking about Jay.
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"What's new?" I ask.
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He smiles raking his hair back lighting a cigarette. He passes it to me. I inhale feeling my stress evaporate.
"Not much ohh I'm booked for a tattoo next week" he smiles.
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"Wow that's big what you getting?" I ask smiling at him.
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"I'm getting some tribal stuff over my leg scar" he says quietly.
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I look over at him instantly remembering the accident. The one where he fell off his bike in the snow and I drove around trying to find him, the one that bound our lives together.
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"That's awesome" I say smiling.
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"You wanna come along when I get it done, not gonna lie I'm kinda nervous" he laughs.
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"Sure" I say smiling and he goes for my hand. Luckily I'm turning to glance at him at the time and he misses. I saved his life and at one point I was in love with him irrevocably. We have never had good solid physical contact boundaries. I need to start putting those boundaries in place.
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"I miss you" he says.
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"You do? But I'm right here Ross" I say keeping it friendly.
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"Yeah I know but I miss us. I miss talking to you" he says and he stops waking. All's I can think is not now. I don't have the capacity to deal with that now.
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I see Matty approaching us from the distance and make eye contact with him. I'm now thinking we're all having lunch at my dorm.
I text Rach telling her to meet me in my kitchen.
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"You wanna have lunch with everyone at mine" I say sighing. Everyone apart from Jay. Where is he? The love of my life has disappeared.
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"Sure" Ross smiles.
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"Matty are you coming?" I say and he looks at me like he used to before I had even met Jay. Consistent. He's always consistent.
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"I'm in" he replies and we head over to dorms.
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