~past tense~
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Matthew James Henderson the man I used to be madly in love with waits for me at a single table in the coffee shop. He's bought me a drink and it's across from his coffee. He always has his coffee black, we used to laugh that it matched his soul. But I can concur that his soul is nothing but pure white, if you believe in that kind of stuff. I see him the second I walk in, his dark brunette hair contrasting with his white shirt. I know that when I face him I will see his green eyes looking into mine. Eyes that show care and adoration. A softness that I relied on in every difficult moment we endured.
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I walk quietly up to the table and sit in front of him.
"Hey" I say softly unsure of how to interact with him now. Normally I would put my arms around him, embrace him and hold onto him intent on not letting him go.He raises his head and his eyes search me like I knew they would. I think of all the time that has elapsed, exacerbated by the changes in my life and feel like an alien to Matty. Not myself, a new version of Taylor that's moved on.
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"Hey" he replies softly as I look down and stir my drink. His voice. I'm monumentally glad that I was looking down into my cup. Had he of saw my face I wouldn't have been so successful in hiding my reaction. The burn of desire remembering his voice whispering in my ear, the countless memories of him reasoning and laughing with me in his car, debating stupid stuff and singing in the kitchen. I can feel the nostalgia hit me, instantly when he says one word. All of the moments, through all of the chapters. All boiling down into one feeling.
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"Thanks Matty, for my drink" I smile and he looks at me like I'm speaking French. I'm sure he would love to know that I miss him, but that's not why I'm here. I put on my best business expression, I'm sure he's smirking at me. I cross my legs over and resolutely fold my arms on the table.
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"No problem you're welcome. How are you" he ventures. His tone is caring and patient. It's him, but not quite him at the same time. Something in the way he looks at me has me worried, worried that this is all going horribly wrong. I'm here to ask for distance and he's here to bring me back into his arms. Unimaginably his normal care and patience which would usually evoke nothing but love, brings about annoyance and frustration in me today.
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"I just saw my dorm. It's interesting." I laugh desperate to change tact.
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"Ah okay, what do you mean" he says patiently. I'm being a brat not giving him a chance. I'm sure that one day when I'm more sensible I will look back at this pivotal moment and plead for it not to unfold in the way it's about to. When Matthew has a wife and children he will keep things interesting, but he will be dependable and devoted. He will still be doing his art, he may even have some of the portraits he drew of me. And I will be somebody who is in his past, some girl that he loved. Somebody who he can't quite remember the name of, the person who used to be his world in a past life.
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"There's more alcohol in the kitchen than food and Nate is my neighbour" I say to him sourly.
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"Lord, you got a loud one then" he sighs. Mr responsible.
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"I know" I begin.
"We're going to see how it goes until we decide" I rattle off not thinking.
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"Who's we" he asks slowly.
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I squirm. Time to tell him. I feel so ready to be with Jay, I know I love him completely and utterly. I'm ready to push my whole life away for one with him.
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"Jay and I" I begin and he swears. Looking at me from across the table, I feel so far away from him. So far from who I used to be for him.
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"Jay and I are seeing each other" I finish telling him.
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"Jay ? You're seeing Jay" he asks.
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"yes" I say quietly.
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He just stares at me again completely shocked. Anger dissipates into care and regret. He thinks before he says anything else. He composes himself back into being Matty.
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"Why? You told me you hated him" he asks.
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"Because I don't hate him, I got to know him" I defend.
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"You got to know who he wants you to see" he says.
"Sorry" he replies instantly regretting saying that seeing my face.
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"When did this happen?" He asks.
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"This weekend" I reply keeping it straight and to the point.
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He sighs. Looks down at his coffee. He finishes it off. He grabs his leather jacket and slides it on. I've barely finished my drink.
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"Where is he" he asks me angrily.
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"What?" I say alarmed.
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"Where is Jay?" He says clearly.
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"I don't know, that's not going to change anything don't be" I say to him.
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"Clearly" he says to me, standing up.
"Clearly Taylor me waiting for you, me trying to be there for you every single time you need me doesn't do shit." He says.
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"Matty please sit down with me" I ask.
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"I literally asked you do you want space or do you want to end things and you wouldn't tell me straight" he says and I'm following him out now.
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"So really now I know what you wanted" he faces me. We're outside and he's upset and I don't know what to do.
"I haven't slept for weeks, I haven't eaten properly either. The only thing I do is fucking think of you and us. That's it but clearly that doesn't mean a thing" he says.
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Jay comes up behind me.
I'm shocked to see him.
"Are you okay" he asks me alarmed at my tears which I didn't know were there and the sound of Matty shouting. This is all my fault. I hold Matty's eye contact imploring him to be okay and not angry with me.
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"All's I can think about is us and our life and our child. And clearly you just want to move on with somebody that will leave you within a month of getting bored and tired because he's never been in a real relationship" he says angry.
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"Do you have to throw it in my face every single time, okay I lost our child. I'm sorry I couldn't end up being good enough to hold your child. It hurt me too Matty. A fucking lot." I say crying. Now he's listening and not shouting he looks upset. Regretful.
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"Don't say shit about Jay, he helped me through everything. Rather than shouting at me and telling me I'm not good enough. He's there for me. What is wrong with you why do you have to bring it up every single time" I say crying.
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"I'm sorry Taylor, I'm just in love with you" he says trying to touch me.
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I wipe my eyes.
"you are not, you're in love with the version of me that you want and only her. The perfect one that holds your baby to term" I say and that's not fair on anybody but I'm so angry with him. I'm so angry because he's a stupid idiot.
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"Do you even realise how much it hurts losing something that was once a part of you? And then losing yourself and everything else too" I say to him.
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"Taylor" he says and tries to hug me I push him away crying.
"I love you, Please" he says.
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"I have no words right now, please just leave me alone" I tell him.
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"Please this is not over for us it's not supposed to end this way" he implores
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But I'm angry and I can't hear the tenderness in his voice, the aching sorrow and the pain that I have caused him. I'm ready to bolt from him. I'm so angry that I'm the problem, the reason everything broke between us.
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"I'm sorry Matty that I'm the cause of all of our problems, that I'm the reason we broke." I tell him and walk away.
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I don't sort out my stuff or come to any reasonable conclusions with him. I thought I owed it to him to be clear, and to an extent I did but I'm also angry with him. Angry that he still thinks it's my fault. Angry that he wanted to hurt Jay. I don't even want to look at him.
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I stuff my bag in Jays car and before I get in Jay comes around and hugs me saying nothing.
He holds me close into his chest and I cry.
"Let's go" he suggests quietly and I get in his car and leave with him.
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