~past tense~
January
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I didn't go home with Matty, I would have ended up in the same situation as before and I would never ever get to the end of this confusing predicament.
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Speaking to Rhea helped me comes to terms with the loss of my unborn child. My phone illuminates on the bed and it's her now messaging me.
"Love you, let me know if you need any damn thing" she says. I smile back.
"Thanks hun, I'm all good honest just studying. Ignoring the fact that Ross is in the room next door to me" I send posting a smile emoji alongside it.
"Oh stop it" she replies.
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"Hey Tay" Ross calls out and I jump.
"What do you want for dinner" he asks.
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I walk over to his door. In my shorts and t shirt. His eyes pop out of his head and I forget how easy it was living with a male you can be naked around.
"I'm cooking for you, want spaghetti bolognese?" I ask.
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I need pasta.
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"Fuck yes I haven't had a home cooked meal in years" he laughs.
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I head down and start cooking. Ross says he'll be down in a second.
My phone rings as I start cooking and it's Jay.
I answer.
"How is it you always catch me cooking" I say.
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"Hey babe, I dunno maybe it's a sign or some shit" he laughs.
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"A sign for?" I ask cheekily.
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"We should be cooking together" he says.
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I laugh.
"How I've missed your humour" I say back.
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"How I miss you" he says seriously and my defences break away.
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"How much do you miss me ?" I ask him smiling.
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"A fucking lot. And you told me you loved me, Taylor" He says.
"But to be fair you were just a little drunk" he laughs.
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I go quiet.
"I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear" I say confused.
"You gave me the major cold shoulder this morning" I say.
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"Nope I wanted to hear it"
"From you and only you, but then you didn't talk to me after that at all so I felt like you were just I dunno embarrassed or some shit" he says. Talking to him gives me butterflies.
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"I wasn't as you can tell I was trying to sort myself out" I say quietly.
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"Are you sorted out yet" he asks cryptically
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"Nearly" I say.
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"Mmm I want you right now" he says.
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I smile.
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"Right now isn't gonna work I'm cooking" I tease.
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"If I was there you wouldn't be cooking" he smiles
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"I like cooking" I say.
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"Don't you like doing other things too" he says suggestively.
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I clear my throat. I'm so turned on. He can tell, I can feel him smiling.
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"Okay baby I love you too and I'll see you tomorrow" he laughs.
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I'm shocked by how I nearly say no Jay don't hang up.
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"Don't be a dick about it" I say instead.
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"I'm not I love you too" he says.
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"Dropping the L bomb a lot tonight aren't you." I tease.
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"Am I not allowed to say it to you back?" He says smiling.
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"You can say it" I say quietly.
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"Good. I'll see you tomorrow" he says.
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"See you then" I say and hang up.
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I finish the spaghetti smiling and mix in the beef and sauce. I think about Jay, he's confusing me. He tells me he loves me, then he acts cold. It reminds me of what Rach said once about him. Something like oh that's just typical Jay, difficult.
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I text Rach that I'll be partying Friday. I look online for a new dress and find the perfect little black dress. Its strapless and short. I buy it and then realise I don't know where to ship it too.
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"Ross what's the postcode" I ask him. He's on his way downstairs.
"I want to buy a dress for Friday" I explain when I see him.
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He tells me it smiling.
"Oh that smells great" he laughs.
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I plate up his dinner and get him a beer.
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"Thanks babe" he smiles.
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I sip my wine and sit in front of him.
We eat quietly. He enjoys the food I can tell.
"So party on Friday huh" he looks up at me smiling.
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"Yes" I say drinking some more wine.
"I presume you're coming with me" I say cheekily.
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"Oh do you now" he laughs.
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"Mhmm" I say briefly looking up at him smiling.
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When we're finished I switch on his radio and clean up, he helps me. I hum and sing along to some of the songs.
Once we're done cleaning he stands by the kitchen counter.
"Babe if you really don't want to it's all good, but I'm going to smoke a spliff" he says watching me sip my wine.
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He grinds up the stuff in front of me. I lean next to him watching him roll up.
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He walks into the living room puts on Netflix, I follow him in and he puts an ashtray in front of me.
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"Your choice" he smiles looking at the films.
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He goes and gets some snacks and water.
When he returns he lights up and I remember it, the burn in your throat. I take a pull. It hits me almost instantly. I lean on him, feeling content and relaxed.
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He smokes most of it because it doesn't affect him as much as it does me.
I choose a scary movie and he laughs.
He hands the spliff back to me and I have a bit more, feeling completely chill.
I tuck myself into his side resting my head on his chest.
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He asks if I want to share the last hit and I know what he means. He inhales the spliff and positions his mouth on mine as he blows the smoke into my mouth. I breathe him in.
Instantly remembering the first time we did this and ended up making out when we'd only just met.
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I hold him close to me. Kiss his lips slowly with my own.
"Stop coming onto me, there's only so many times I can tell you no" he whispers.
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I kiss him slowly again then pull away smiling. I watch the film and his hand rests on my bare thigh stroking me.
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When the film ends we head up to our separate rooms, I linger in the hall with him hugging me and I wait for him to invite me into his bed. Although he doesn't.
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I settle for the spare room, laying down. Because I'm high I fall asleep almost instantly.
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***
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I wake up at 2 am again.
I feel so lonely and lost. I realise I'm still high when I can't remember where I am. I'm not used to my new surroundings yet.
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I head into Ross' room.
He won't push me out completely, surely ?
I need his embrace, his arms and his chest.
I climb into his bed and he puts his arms around me. I'm just wearing a T-shirt.
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He starts rubbing my back and I face him, my head in his chest.
"Taylor" he says.
"Whatever possessed you to crawl into my bed" he asks.
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I chuckle.
"I need you" I say.
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He kisses my forehead. I want so much, from him. But it's not fair, to want him. Because he wants me forever. And I want him right now.
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I kiss his chest. My hands on his bare back. He's only wearing boxers. I knew he got dressed yesterday to come and comfort me and my heart swells for him.
I decide I need him. Right now. I'm going to try one more time. If he's not interested then that's fine. I won't try again.
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