***Taylor's POV***
~past tense~
January
This is going to be a day, I'm meeting Matty for a coffee at lunch. Ross has been patiently waiting for me to kiss him or touch him or anything that would reinstate our connection. And now I just feel terribly bad about it all. I do love Ross, I do but I can't deny that Jay sets me alight. He's different, can't put my hands on what it is about him. I haven't ever been with him physically yet and my body reacts to him so much already.
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I attempt to keep my brain off him whilst walking into psychology, it's an effort. I brought a coffee, Ross is holding his and I've got a black one for Jay.
I head in, passing him his coffee he looks up at me and his eyes make me squirm. I sit in my seat next to him taking off my leather jacket, revealing my leotard, which I've got paired with a skirt and heeled boots.
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"Morning" he whispers.
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"Good morning" I say back.
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I spend the whole lecture thinking about his hands on my back, his hips swaying with mine and the taste of champagne. I glance over at him and he looks down at me smiles and looks away again.
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"I'm dancing tonight" I tell Ross before the end of the lecture.
"I'm happy to get a ride back with one of the girls, if you need to get back" I tell him
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"It's no problem, Tay I'll wait" Ross says.
"I'll pick you up after rehearsals." He smiles.
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He hugs me before heading off and Jay looks away.
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Jay and I start walking out together.
"I'm going to go into housing and ask for a form, for dorms" I say to Jay.
"I haven't told anybody. I think it's the right thing to do" I say trying not to look at him.
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"Hey you want me to come with you. I mean you can always stay with me but I get why that might not be the right thing to do" he looks over at me and I blush.
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"Thanks, I'm not sure why I keep telling you all this stuff I'm sorry" I say awkwardly, I can't believe he knows about my almost motherhood.
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"Don't apologise" he says stopping me
He looks at me in the hall and I feel like I'm ready, for him. For it all to happen for us.
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We walk over and I get my dorm request done and signed, I walk out feeling relieved. I requested a quiet dorm preferably with all girls.
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"I just promised I would talk to Matty" I say as it's lunchtime.
"I need to sort that out too" I say.
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"You are checking off a lot of things today" he says smiling.
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"I owe him to at least tell him where I'm at" I say.
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He lingers, I watch him, his lips. I kiss him, lightly. He deepens the kiss and I moan slightly. He really affects my body.
"I'll see you later" he whispers.
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"Okay I'll see you later" I whisper back. It's so exciting. Secretly kissing him and him finding moments to be with me.
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I stroll up to the coffee shop and stand in the queue, trying to pluck up my courage to deal with this moment.
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"Hey" Matty says behind me and he joins me in the queue.
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"Hey" I smile
"Do you want a coffee or a tea" I ask him.
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"Coffee always" he laughs. I get it and he carries it over.
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I sit opposite him.
"How are you" I ask him watching his green eyes.
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"Not bad" he says.
"How are you Tay" he smiles.
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"I've actually decided to move into dorms." I tell him and he looks alarmed.
"I don't want to impose on anybody and I think it's better to just do things that way. Ross has been great but I don't think it's appropriate" I explain.
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"Right I understand, I ugh yeah. Okay that's a bit of a development" he says confused.
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"I don't want you to feel like you have to have me back. And I know I still have lots of stuff at yours that I can't fit into Ross' place so I need my own room" I say.
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"I would love for you to come home" he says
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"I know that, but we're not where we were" I say.
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"What do you mean?" He asks softly and his hands hold mine.
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"I mean that we're not who we were together. And as much as I miss you I need to be on my own" I say.
"Where are you with all of this" I ask
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He waits to form his words.
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"I'm lost. Tay. One minute we were planning our future, living together and now we're here. I'm still who I was, I'm still in love with you. I can't even sleep in my room because I miss you that much Taylor." He says stroking my hands. I start to cry.
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"I love you, okay and I know it's been difficult but I'm not going to just give up on us. I literally can't even think about not having you back home." He says.
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We go quiet, he scrapes his brunette hair back.
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"Do you love me ? Like it's fine if you want your space and your own place but..." he begins.
"I still need you like I did before" he says.
"There's a difference between needing time and needing things to be finished" he says.
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"Matty that's the whole thing. I don't know what I want" I tell him.
"I need this time. We were so in love with each other, and I miss that of course I do." I say.
"We lost a child together, and I'm just getting over that whole thing." I say.
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"We were? You said were Taylor" he says watching me.
"There's a difference for me, I am so in love with you. Not past tense. I want you back now, if I could take you home today I would. I think about us and our future still" he says imploring me to feel the same.
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This was too soon for me. The feelings I have for Matty are still real for me, seeing his green eyes feeling his hands on mine. Reminds me of so much, him laying in bed with me holding me every night. All of it. The love, passion and the pain of the loss we experienced together.
"Matty how I feel about you hasn't changed, how I feel about my life has. We went into this quick, we lived together straight away, and we wanted a baby. I wanted all of those things, but I lost our child. That's my fault. I could still be sitting here pregnant holding your future but I'm not. And that's something I'm dealing with" I tell him and I wipe my eyes defiantly.
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"That was not your fault. It wasn't Taylor. The nurse told us that sometimes these things happen. It wasn't anything you did" he explains and he looks at me earnestly.
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"Look I think I see where you are at. I'm glad we spoke today, I felt like I was going crazy not hearing your voice." He says smiling.
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"But it's all good you need space, still and that is fine" he says.
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I smile at him.
"How is Kim?" I ask he still has hold of my hands.
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"She's fine yeah, still annoyed at Kraig all the time" he says smiling.
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"He's pretty annoying" I say laughing. He laughs with me.
"How is your mum too" I ask
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"She's still planning her wedding, I think she wants to have a June wedding. That's what she was going on about the other day" he laughs
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"They asked about you" he says delicately
"Obviously I told them what was going on" he says.
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I look into his eyes and see the pain there. I feel it too. I wish I could just step back into the person I was before the miscarriage. The person who had a future with him. The person who knew she was carrying his whole life. The person who held him just as tight every single night.
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"I miss you, Matty" I begin
"But I have to be honest with you" I say
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"Yes anything, look Taylor I don't mind, you won't make me angry. Please don't stop yourself from coming back to me because you think I will judge you or be angry with you or some shit like that" he says. I think he already knows.
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"I got high with Ross. And it's not his fault at all." I say and he sighs.
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He keeps hold of my hands.
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"It's not Ross, he actively discouraged me. But when we were high I woke up and got with him in the night" I say feeling guilty and cheap.
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"Got with him? Like all the way?" He asks.
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I nod.
"I'm sorry Matty. You don't deserve this. At all" I say.
He stares at me, just plain stares. And I feel the disappointment and shock emanating from him.
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"You had sex with each other" he asks.
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"Yes" I say.
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"Why Taylor ? I knew you cared for him. Of course I did but I've literally done nothing but think about you and us. That's it" he says.
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"I don't know, I'm not perfect Matty. I have no excuse. I hurt you I know that." I say.
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He stares at me some more. Contemplating. He strokes my hand some more.
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"Okay, and I'm still not done, it doesn't change shit for me Taylor. Yeah it hurts that you would get with him especially soon like that. But I love you" he says.
"How can I even change how I feel about you? Any other person Taylor and I would be done. But you, I know you're the love of my life" he says.
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I cry a little.
"So let's come up with a resolution." I say
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"You need space and you're gonna move into dorms, that's all good. I'm not pressuring you, I love you and I will wait" he says.
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I stand and he crosses the table to me. He wraps his arms around me before we leave. He kisses me lightly. And then we walk out together.
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