***Taylors POV***
~past tense~
I managed to get myself a small car after the new year. It's little, nothing too fancy but it does have a good heater and music system. Matty helped me to choose it, it's a Volvo and it's apparently very safe.
I've been crying all day, I've packed lots of clothes and essentials into the boot. Matty has helped me by doing all of the lifting even though now we're not talking to each other out of pure misery and grief.
I close the boot and head back inside for my phone.
"Matty it's going to be okay." I tell him, I think he's shocked.
"Rhea hasn't messaged me yet" I say wondering where to go.
"Stay with Ross, he's a good friend" he says non-committing.
What he means is: he won't try it on with you, Jay will.
"You don't have to leave Taylor" he says.
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He's wrong, I do. I cant be here at the moment. I love him but I can't separate my feelings up. Being here reminds me of the baby. Being here reminds me of us, and I feel like I need to remove myself from us in order to work out what I want from life. I've kissed Jay, I've let him buy me expensive gifts, I told him I love him on New Year's Eve. Granted after several glasses of Prosecco. Leaving is the right thing to do, I don't want to be without Matty but I can't stay here pretending to be his everything when I'm not.
I need space. I text ross, he's my friend and he has room.
"Ross can I stay with you for a couple of days ?" I say.
"Sure, see you soon" he replies instantly.
I text Rhea asking her not to worry and leave it at that.
I close the space between myself and Matty, he hasn't come anywhere near me since. I yearn for us to be normal, like we were before the miscarriage. He doesn't see that, he just thinks that I don't care.
I lightly place my hands on his forearms and he melts. I reach up and around his shoulders, he hugs me around my waist.
"I love you" he whispers.
"I promise you, I can unpack your car now in less than 10 minutes and we can go back to who we used to be" he says softly in my ear, stroking my back.
I cry again and kiss his neck. I do love him so much, and he's making this so difficult.
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"I know you will be back, I'll wait for you" he says in my ear.
"I love you" I tell him. I pull away from Matty. The man who I have slept with, the man who has held me for years and kept me safe, the man who cherishes me and listens to my every word. He gazes down into my eyes searching them for answers. His green eyes and brown hair, I'm so close to him. I kiss his lips slowly and he pulls me closer still.
"I'll see you soon" I tell him when he lets me break away.
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I remove myself from his perfect life which I shared for some time. I head for the door trying so hard not to look back. He walks me out and asks me to let him know when I've arrived wherever it is that I'm going. I smile and tell him I will.
Once in the car I set my phone up to take me to Ross. I take a deep breath and start up. I cry a little in the car but I put on some music and focus on singing along to it in order to forget about the situation.
I park up in Ross' drive and he is there at the door waiting.
He approaches my drivers side and pulls me into a hug. I cry and he rubs my back.
"What needs taking into the house?" He says eyeing my bags.
I open the boot and grab some stuff. He does the same and takes it up into the room next to his bedroom. Once we've got it all in we head to the kitchen. He rolls up two cigarettes and makes some tea and coffee.
"I'm so sorry Ross I don't want to impose on your life" I say.
He comes straight over to me, shaking his head and passing me a cigarette.
"Don't ever say that, I told you I would be there for you in any capacity. I meant it" he says.
"Thanks Ross" I say and smoke.
We spend the day watching Netflix in his living room he doesn't grill me for information and he doesn't insist on being in my space. He gives me time and he makes me lunch and dinner. He makes me countless cups of tea and cigarettes to take my mind off of it all.
I sit down with him enjoying just one glass of wine at the end of this horrible day and we watch a film.
I make sure we're not sitting anywhere near each other because I know his feelings for me. And I don't want to drag him into my mess.
When the film finishes I stretch and ask him if I can just shower before bed, we have university tomorrow.
"Sure" he says and stands up briskly.
I follow him up to the bathroom. He has a walk in shower and it looks really nice. He leaves me to it and I just stand under it for ages crying.
This is such a messy situation. I want to ring Matty. I want to go to bed with him and feel him hugging me as I drift off. I've been in his arms every night for years and it hurts that I can't be that way with him now.
"Tay are you okay?" He says from outside the bathroom.
"Yes" I sob.
"Please if you want anything I'm here" he says.
"Okay." I get out and dry off and put on my pjs. I open the door and he's leaning against the wall.
He walks over to me and hugs me. And I cry again.
"You can sleep on my bed I'll take the floor. Sometimes it's better to not be alone" he says.
"It's okay" I say.
"I'm gonna dry my hair and I will be fine" I add.
I hug him and go and find my hairdryer. I work on my hair making it look amazing and laugh because I'm just going to go and sleep in it.
I finish my hair and then moisturise my face ready for bed. I sit on the bed not sure if I can sleep here alone. I read my book, the one Ross got me to take my mind off things.
I text Matty a simple goodnight message. He replies instantly that he misses me and I feel oddly better that he's as upset as me about this.
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Ross pops his head around the door see's the book and smiles. He has a hot chocolate for me in his hand and he passes it to me.
"Oh you're reading" he laughs.
He sits on the edge of the bed.
I explain to him what's happening in the plot at the moment and he listens intently. Adding his own observations whilst sipping his hot chocolate. We talk about the book for hours finishing our hot chocolates and I realise I'm smiling again and not crying my eyes out.
"Good night" he says eventually standing up.
I stand up and hug him. I hold onto him.
"Thank you" I tell him.
"Anytime" he smiles.
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